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September 20, 2004
Things NOT to say to me
"I know someone who couldn't have kids and adopted a baby, then a few months later she got pregnant!"
Ok, first off, I know people that say this are saying it innocently and don't intend to irritate me. Which is why I'm posting this bit of education. I am far from easily offended or touchy, so I've been trying to figure out why hearing this annoys me, and I've come up with several reasons:
1. I am already back on the pill, for medical reasons. So even if infertility wasn't an issue, it'd be bloody unlikely. Of course, to be fair, most people have no way of knowing this.
2. You imply this would be a good thing. I only want one child. Even if I later change my mind and want a second one, I would want the children spaced further out than that. I wouldn't WANT another one right away.
3. I know it's not intended, but it sort of reduces infertility to a matter of Murphy's Law. It's a lot more than that.
4. This one really didn't hit me until I was reading "Raising Adopted Children" this evening, but I think it's the biggest reason why this bothers me. The statement implies that now that I have adopted a child, I might get what I REALLY wanted, a biological child. The adopted one is second best. Yes, I initially wanted a biochild. Yes, I still have days when I grieve over the child I will never produce. But I am at peace with our decision to adopt, I believe it is the right thing for us, and quite frankly I believe that it was meant to be. I already feel love for my child who may not even be born yet, and I do REALLY WANT this little Chinese girl. So please don't imply that having a biochild would be something better.
There, got that off my chest. I feel better. :)
Posted by at September 20, 2004 11:36 AM