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August 03, 2004
PC Sucks
For once, I don't mean that in reference to computer hardware.
I'm subscribed to the Adoptive Parents: China mailing list over at Yahoo! Groups, and I've been reading for a couple of months now. It's been instructive, and reassuring, and scary, and kind of annoying all at once.
Instructive: The group is a great place to get information about how to handle the adoption paperwork, what to take when you travel, what to expect from your child when you return, etc. etc. etc. Really great, in the sense that many of the 12,000 or so subscribers have been there before. So that's cool.
Reassuring: You aren't the only one who feels this way, or had this problem, or has a delayed referral, etc. That's key, because if you're the only one around adopting, it can feel pretty lonely. Fortunately, we don't have that issue. (Hi Kristen and Joe!)
Scary: Certain posters have a habit of pointing out worst-case scenarios (like this, for God's sake), and going "Look out! It could happen to you!" Which it could. In much the same way that you might be struck by lighting. But as long as you don't stand on the nearest hilltop waving a five iron and shouting "Go ahead...bet you can't hit me!", you're probably safe. Likewise, if you use better parenting techniques than were common 25 years ago, you're probably okay. But the posters in question never point that out, preferring that you worry yourself to death in the name of "stirring the debate." Right.
Annoying: Boy, can it be annoying. Let me count the ways. First of all, there's the "people of color" crowd (you know, the ones who insist that "people of color" is functionally different from "colored people," which I maintain it's not). They're just a subgroup of the language police. Among their rules:
- Never refer to rescued animals (yours or others') as "adopted," because it'll make your kids feel bad.
- Never refer to a baby Chinese girl, no matter how cute she is, as a "China doll" because it's (a) objectification, (b) sexualized, (c) a racial slur, (d) offensive to some large sociopolitical pressure group on the West coast, or (e) all of the above.
- Either be sure to "sugar coat" your kid's adoption story, or make it the hardcore facts. There seems to be very little active middle ground in this debate.
- Race is everything. Or it's nothing. Depends who you ask.
These kinds of people drive me nuts. In the first place, they believe that language exists in a vacuum, unmolested by such vague concepts as time, place and manner. Intent and context mean nothing to this lot. They will dismember the language piece by piece to serve the greater need of never offending anyone, and sheltering their children from hateful speech. I'm not defending the use of gutter speech like "nigger" or "chink," but how far down the road is it before they go after something like "four-eyes"...or are words only offensive if they concern race/gender/sexual preference?
In the second place, lots of the above bunch are convinced that nothing in an adopted Asian child's life will ever matter as much as the color of their skin. I can't speak to that out of firsthand experience. I'm white, middle-class, and thanks to lucky circumstances of birth, I've never really had it hard (at least not once I got quit of my former stepfather). But here's hoping that lots of things matter more to Emma than her skin color. How about her mother and I? How about her grandparents, and her cousins? How about her education, and her dignity and honor?
Yes, the color of her skin will be a part of my daughter's identity and self-image. But God forbid it should be the most important part, and shame on people who would try to make it so. Don't you have better things to do than perpetuate the notion that skin color is anything other than genes? Get over yourselves. Maybe I'm an idealist, but with luck we can raise our kid to be an idealist, too. The world needs more of us.
Finally, what is it with these people that they regard children as fragile teacups, to be -- mentally, at least -- put up on a shelf and sheltered from the bumps and bruises of life? I'm not saying that they can withstand anything, but kids are awfully darned resilient, in my experience. As long as the information they're getting comes from someone they trust, and as long as they get good guidance, kids can process almost anything. And frequently, their understanding of it is clearer than their parents'.
So to the PC-types and the language police -- knock yourselves out. Have fun policing every use of "China Doll" from someone's grandmother. Enjoy your superiority as you deride me for being a "passive racist" when I don't twig to every little slight, no matter how unintended. As for us, we'll be raising a healthy, well-adjusted child who, when she looks in the mirror, will see a lot more than just an Asia face.
She'll see herself.
Posted by at August 3, 2004 10:27 AM