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July 01, 2004
Racism, discrimination and you
Dear Emma:
The last few days have given me a lot to think about. For instance, I'm wondering again how you -- a child with yellow skin, dark, straight hair and dark, almond-shaped eyes -- will fit in here in the newly-urban South. Will you find it hard to get along? Will our white neighbors reject you because you look different? Will the first-generation Asian-Americans at school brand you a "Twinkie" because you were raised by white parents?
It's a scary thought, I have to tell you, this idea that my child would be the victim of discrimination. It's not something I've really had to face. Your mother and I are lucky, both of us college-educated upper-middle-class white kids -- children of privilege, in the broad sense. Both of us are two or three generations removed from our farming heritage (or, in the case of Lara's maternal line, from the milltown where her great-grandparents grew up and lived their whole lives). Though we're from the South, it's not really obvious at first blush -- we don't have the kind of accent that automatically gets 10 points deducted from our IQs when we meet new people.
So what will it be like for you?
I can't answer that. Heck, I can't even begin to answer that. I don't have the life experience to say. But based on what I know of human nature, I can make some reasonably educated guesses.
- Some people will pick on you because you look different. This shouldn't be a surprise -- looks are the first thing people seize on when they want to belittle you. "Four-eyes" and "pizza-face" were pretty common names for me when I was in school. I'm the bookish type, so I earned the nickname "Professor" for about four years during junior high and high school. My advice to you is to ignore it. For every ignoramus who makes fun of your appearance, there will be two people who think you look exotic and beautiful.
- Some people will assume things about you, because of your heritage. It won't take you long to find this out. "Oh, Asian people are so clever!" or "I'll bet you're good at math, aren't you." Never be afraid to answer these people. If you don't like math, or if you prefer reading or gymnastics or poetry, say so. And know that most people who say things like this aren't doing so out of meanness or spite -- they're just operating out of longstanding stereotypes. They can't help it, and it should roll off you like water off a duck.
- Some people will think of themselves as "real" Asians, and will reject you because your parents are white. I can't tell you how to handle this one, because it's not one I have any experience with. But I can tell you that the term "real Asian" is like "real black"...it's meaningless. Is a "real" Asian Chinese, or Japanese, or Korean, or Thai? If they kid you about being "real" Chinese, are they talking about Han, Chaoxian, Yao, Mongolian, or Manchu? See what I mean? In any group, there are always divisions. If you put two people in a room who look the same, were born within two miles of each other, went to the same school, even have the same last name, it'll take them about 2 minutes to find out what differences there are between them. Call it human nature.
I could go on, but what's the point? The bottom line is that you are definitely going to face barriers -- that I can assure you of. It doesn't matter what the basis is -- skin color, ethnicity, glasses, reading habits, parentage, adoption -- people will find a reason to make fun of you...to try and belittle you and puff up their own egos.
Blow it off.
I want for you to grow up confident, to believe that you are, indeed, a minority. A minority of one -- like no one else in the world, and with no need to be like anyone else in the world. I want your peer group to be "confident, smart girls," not "Asian kids" or "white kids" or "adopted kids." I want you to learn what I have learned, and that is this: When it comes right down to it, you can count on two things -- yourself, and the family that loves you. If you can take that to heart, and if you can learn to take pride in your own accomplishments and your individuality, then you will achieve the most important thing in life. You will truly become the person you are meant to be, rather than be person others want you to be, and that's the key to being happy with yourself.
Love,
Baba
Posted by at July 1, 2004 11:07 PM